silent screaming

64 words

Speed test

My friend made me take this… so… yeah. here it is.

I’m awake and it’s sooooo early, omg. Okay, 9:37 is not “so early” for most people, but when I actually WANT to wake up at around 9 and 10AM, I just can’t do it. I always wake up around 11. I don’t even have school today!! I do, however, have homework… so I guess I’m gonna be working on that. In the meantime, Left 4 Dead 2 is AWESOME and I really want Bayonetta. Now. I’ve also rediscovered my DS. <3

I spent over five years of my life expressing exactly how I feel, most of the time the feeling was mutual. Most of the time I was able to tell someone “I love you.” It was empty in the beginning and empty at the end, but at least I could say it and maybe hear it back.  Now I don’t even have that. Now if I say anything.. I will never get a reply. Never. And even if I did, it wouldn’t be the one I want.

Last night #youknowyouinlove was trending on twitter and it totally made me cry lol. I was guilty of most of them. That’s a good thing though, cause there’s no better feeling than being in love. <3

Current Mood: Sad

He left today. I’m trying really hard not to cry. I’m happy for him, but sad for me. Selfish… so I’m trying to be more happy than sad.

Class got canceled, but too late for me to enjoy the time by just snuggling up in my bed.

I hope it’s not as bad as I think it’ll be, but I’m not so sure cause I really think I fucked things up over the past week.

What will I do now? Probably make shoes. Wait for Bayonetta. Wait for more Vegas. Go to class (yuck).

That’s all for now. Don’t really know what to say.

Current Mood: Esctatic

Okay, so yesterday, the 29th, was my birthday. It was awwwwwwwwwwwwesoooooooooooome! I have a birthday dinner the night before since my family insists on eating out on Wednesdays and Fridays… and I didn’t want to go out to eat on my real birthday cause.. honestly, I hate eating out with my fam. Anyway, so yeah. I celebrated with my family then and opened some presents. I got a qt phone strap, and beeeeeeeeeautiful jewelry box which was filled with coins, and a Kindle (another cause I broke mine)! We ate at FlatTop, my favorite restuarant in all of Indiana (that I’ve been to so far).

The BEST part is the part I’d been looking forward to for about what… 2 weeks? I got to open Steban’s presents! I promised I wouldn’t open them ’til my birthday, so once 12AM rolled around I got right to it. They were a super qt Hello Kitty plushie and an awesome, awesome, awesome The Office mug. It’s so exciting to get presents from him, mostly just cause they’re from him. He makes me sooooooo happy. <3

Anyway, a little while after I opened those my dad sent me a text telling me I could open the huuuuuuuuuuuge box that came here a couple days earlier. It was ALSO and awesome gift; the Wacom Cintiq 21UX. I was supposed to get it last year, but things went down and that didn’t happen. It’s so, so, so awesome. I took it out of the box, but I haven’t gotten a chance to use it yet since I’ve been working on an art project and I had a final to take. x.x On my birthday, too… that sucked.

Well, the sad thing now is that I have nothing to look forward to now. =/ I suppose Christmas, and Vegas next year will be awesome, but that’s soooo far. I have all this school crap to do.. ugh. =/ Ah, well.

Current Mood: Angry & Flirtatious & Mischievous

I haven’t posted anything in almost a month! Ugh. I guess, so much as happened. Mostly bad stuff. Like, srsly. OMG!

Okay enough of that… Anyway, it’s not MOSTLY bad stuff, it’s just I’ve had a huuuuge revelation. I’m sooo glad I can count on my friends. I’ll just say that. Things have gone down recently that have just entirely reinforced this feeling of NO FUCKING REGRETS that I have. I mean, obviously by looking at my last few posts I was starting to have a few doubts, but now I know I was just really disillusioned. Uuuugh. I just keep thinking about how I almost fell for it too. It pisses me off so much.

I’m also glad I’m finally adult enough to handle it. I’ve been known to do some things in the past that I’m not so proud of now. Talk about regrets… Oh well, I can’t say I really regret any experiences I’ve had in my life, cause they’ve made me who I am. While sometimes I really HATE that, I don’t complain most of the time. I have awesome friends, make my own money, do what I want for the most part, and most importantly, I feel like I’ve had the chance to experience true happiness. The kind of happiness that comes from someone else’s happiness. I don’t know how to explain it. So yeah, if I died today, I won’t be dying feeling like I’ve been leading an unfurfilling life.

Hmm… feels ilke I went off on a tangent there. In any case, I think I’m gonna end it here. I’ve got stuff to do and people to love. And someone to SRSLY love (hee hee!).

Current Mood: Confused

To say I’ve been feeling strange lately is probably an understatement. I have an overwhelming urge to a really (I suppose) bad habit of mine, I feel like I’ve been unnecessarily cold to a good(?) friend (but I’m pretty sure he started it…), and I just can’t shake this feeling I have that something is just off. I’ve never had so many awkward silences in my life. I’ve never felt so… alone seem cliche, but I guess I’ll have to go with that. I’m usually really good at being by myself, but I guess I’m starting to realize that being by myself and being alone are two completely different things. Not that I didn’t know this before, but I just thought I’d be able to handle it better by doing the things I usually do alone. Well, it really isn’t working. I can’t concentrate on anything, except maybe for reading. The only thing I seem to have returned to recently is that I can pick up my Xbox controller without feeling like I’m going to burst into tears, which probably only because he’s back for a little while.

I just don’t know what I’m going to do with myself anymore. I feel like there’s too much uncertainty in my future now. At least I used to have plans, whether they were going to actually happen or not. I know what I want, but I also know that it’s just not going to happen.

I can’t help but wonder if I’ve given it all away.

Current Mood: Sad

Uuuuuuugh. I’ve been so lonely lately and it’s driving me crazy. I’ve been trying hard to keep myself myself busy, mostly reading and designing, or trying to anyway. I’ve got an idea for a full outfit, a couple of cute skirts, and of course, tons of ideas for hair. My only problem is that I lack the will to do anything. *sighs* I feel so stupid. Cause I know all this is just because he left, and I shouldn’t feel so… dependant. I shouldn’t. I really shouldn’t. And yet I do. I thought it would be okay. I really thought I could do this. I guess things just took an unexpected turn. Though I’m not really sure if it was for the better or for the worst.

God, I feel like such a creeper.

I know saying it won’t help anything, but please, come back.